Body Repair
　Engine Repair

TUNE UPS

　Prewriting
　First Draft
　Revising
　Final Draft
　Sample Essays

Complete Essay

• Sample 1
  

Introduction

• Sample 1
  
• Sample 2
  
• Sample 3
  
• Sample 4
  

Career Plans

Introduction Paragraphs: Sample 4

　　"Doctors have the ability to fix patients," he would tell me, "and make them well again. They are extremely valuable members of society." Despite the wishes of my father to become a doctor and make my family proud, I believed that I needed to make my own decisions and choose a career which would be the most fulfilling for me, business management. I can understand my father's disappointment since my academic performance was at the level to allow my entrance into any university department which I preferred, and yet I still felt strongly about following my own ambitions into business.

Comment:
　　This is a poorly written introduction. Beginning an introduction with a short anecdote is fine, if it relates to your interest in or plans for graduate study. The author's focus on his father's preference of careers is not something that an admissions committee would be interested in. This author slowly reveals his main point, that he wants to study business, rather than quickly and directly stating it. As a result, he wastes a significant amount of space for the essay.