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TUNE UPS

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　First Draft
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　Sample Essays

Complete Essay

• Sample 1
  

Introduction

• Sample 1
  
• Sample 2
  
• Sample 3
  
• Sample 4
  

Career Plans

Sample Essay #1:

　　How to create an environment suitable for human living when resources are limited is a challenging problem for modern society. My strong interest in photography and art has compelled me to become especially observant toward the relationship between human beings and the environment. I have come to realize that the environment we live in has suffered much damage from pollution and lacks competent planning, making it difficult to find beautiful scenery to photograph or sketch. I began to think that I could make use of my artistic gift, concern about, and interest in the environment by entering the field of landscape design and putting my effort into beautifying our surroundings. Therefore, after graduating from high school, I entered the Department of Landscape Architecture at ABC University.

　　During my freshman year, I joined the school's mountaineering club, where I served as a guide and also as president of its photography group. I went to many mountainous areas and ecological preserves, and saw that Taiwan is rich in natural resources; but I also saw that these precious resources are gradually disappearing due to poor planning and illegal land use. This realization solidified my determination to learn concepts of environmental planning and design. Due to my lengthy contact with nature while climbing mountains, I knew that landscape designers should treat nature and residential areas with respect. Over the next two years, I learned more in-depth concepts of landscape design, enhanced my basic abilities in environmental planning, and started developing an interest in urban design. I received commendations from my professors for my performance and ideas. In addition, I served as administrative head of the department student association during these two years, responsible for planning our department exhibitions and intercollegiate activities for exchanging ideas about landscape design. This experience increased my teamwork abilities and efficiency in problem solving, which will be of great help in my future pursuits.

　　The value of landscape education is not in its accumulation of knowledge, but rather in its methods for solving real-life problems. I believe that one must learn more than plain theory, and so in the summers after my freshman through junior years, I took part in internships in related fields, mainly in urban design. I was involved in planning, design, and implementation of landscaping projects, combining theory with practice. After graduation, I worked at XYZ Landscape Consultants as a designer. I was mainly involved in the Taiwan Northern Region Second Freeway Project Preliminary Landscape Design. My main responsibility was analysis and initial design of the landscape along the freeway. Through this work experience, I became familiar with the entire process of a design process. Besides this, I also worked as an assistant designer in a project called "Citizen Participation in the Design of the Community." During this period, I learned how to communicate ideas to people and give oral reports. I believe that these skills are important for a designer. Worth mentioning is that this project greatly influenced me and attracted my interest, because I believe a good designer should establish an environment based on the opinions of the users in the area instead of on the whims of the designer. Although the concept of user's participation in landscape design is only in its initial stages in Taiwan, I believe that there is much promise for the future. Therefore, in your graduate program, besides concentrating in landscape design, I also plan to take courses in social science, environmental psychology, behavior research and so forth. After completing my studies and returning to Taiwan, I plane to carry out my ideas by applying my knowledge to user's participation projects.

　　My working experience plus my experience growing up in an industrialized city have helped me to understand that the rapid growth of Taiwan's major cities has produced numerous environmental problems. I believe that a graduate school education will enhance my abilities so that I will be able to help solve these problems. Since the United States is the leading country in the field of landscape design, I believe that it is the best place to pursue my interest. My short-term goal after obtaining my MLA degree and coming back to Taiwan is to accumulate more professional experience. My long-term objective is to become a university instructor in this field. I am convinced that your school's landscape design curriculum will be instrumental in the completion of my goals.

Essay Evaluation:

Paragraph One:
　　A fairly well-written opening paragraph detailing the reasons behind the author's interest in landscape design. The author does a good job of showing how her interest in landscape design developed from her interest in related fields, photography and art.

Paragraph Two:
　　Here, the author relates her college academic and extracurricular experiences. Note that the experiences she details are all generally related to her goal of obtaining an MLA. Also, not only does the author mention related extracurricular activities, but she also provides specific reasons for their significance. For example, she not only mentions her participation in the mountaineering club but also explains how her participation allowed her to better understand Taiwan's environmental problems.

　　There are some areas that could be improved. First, the paragraph lacks a topic sentence. Secondly, there are some parts where the author is a bit general. For example, what exact commendations did she receive for his work? She should mention actual awards. What kinds of exhibitions and activities did the author organize? She should provide one or two examples. The last clause "which will be of great help in my future pursuits" is unnecessary. The reader can infer the benefits of learning to work in a team and problem solving ability.

Paragraph 3:
　　This paragraph focuses on professional experiences and career goals. It is quite a long and should perhaps be divided into two paragraphs, one on work experience and one on career goals. Reading long paragraphs can be mentally exhausting for a reader and are sometimes evidence of poor essay organization, especially in a short piece of writing such as the application essay. The is the most interesting paragraph in the essay, and could be even more interesting with the addition of more concrete examples.

　　The author does a good job in detailing her experience working with a landscape consulting company. But her description of the "Citizen Participation" project is a sparse, especially considering that this project apparently influenced her career goals significantly. She should describe exactly what the project was. In there is not enough space for the author to mention her college internships, she could add a parenthetical instruction to refer the reader to her resume.

　　The author gives a better-than-average description of career goals. She outlines a realistic study plan.

Paragraph 4:
　　A typical "tell them what you told them" conclusion -- the author summarizes what she has already written. There is a glaring problem with this paragraph though, the career plans the author describes here contradict those in the previous paragraph. In that paragraph the author describes her plan to work on user's participation projects. Here she writes of her plans to become a university professor. The author must resolve this contradiction.

　　This last, very general paragraph, is typical of application essays written by Chinese students. Unfortunately, in many essays, all of the paragraphs are as general as this paragraph.

Overall:
　　This is a solid essay. It is structurally sound. The essay's chronological structure lets the author effectively detail her academic, extracurricular, and professional backgrounds as they relate to her career and graduate study goals. Although the author writes on a number of different experiences that occurred at different times in her life, she relates them all to her interest in landscape design. This provides the reader with a comprehensive picture of the author as well as showing how the author's background makes her a suitable candidate for graduate study, which is the point of the personal statement.